


My Name Is John

by planetundersiege



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Coming Out, Dad Egbert - Freeform, Dad Egbert is a Good Dad, FTM John, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Homestuck - Freeform, I wish my family had reacted like this when I came out, LGBT, Oneshot, Self Loathing, Short Story, Some angst, Sweet, Trans, Trans John, Trans John Egbert, Transition, Vent Work, deadname, happy end, no SBurb AU, pesterchum, supportive family, supportive friends, text logs, transgender male, worrying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 20:41:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13621293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetundersiege/pseuds/planetundersiege
Summary: John is a boy, he knew that for sure. It was just that his body didn’t show it. But he couldn’t hide it any longer.





	My Name Is John

Tiny waist, curvy hips and a large chest.  
Fat legs, thin arms and short height. And painfully long hair that framed his way too chubby face, smooth as that of a newborn child. And don’t forget that squeaky voice.

That was a body, a prison for an extremely unlucky person. A person that had to be trapped in something heavier than chains, something that always was in the back of your mind and dragged you down even though it wasn’t visible. It was like a plague only a few got to experience.

If you haven’t, you should be grateful.

Dysphoria is the worst thing someone could ever feel, John felt like he wasn’t in control over his own body, like someone else stared back at him when he looked at himself in the mirror. Because what he saw wasn’t him, it was an empty shell, it looked like someone that never had existed in the first place, and looked yet so similar. His body was the opposite of what it really should be, and the feeling grew more intense for every day that passed as his puberty progressed. Life was trying to throw him into the wrong direction.

He was not supposed to grow boobs! He was not supposed to bleed down there. The bleeding was the worst, because it reminded him that he was bleeding from something that shouldn’t be there in the first place. He should have a dick between his legs. He should grow taller, his voice should deepen and hair should grow on his face.

He knew that was how he was supposed to look and he like, yet fate really wanted to laugh him right in the face, teasing him.

He was a guy, he was sure of that, he knew that from the start, like how you know how to breathe from the moment you were born. You couldn’t explain it, or learn it with time, it was something you just had in you, unexplainable in every way, yet still valid. He knew he was a boy like he knew he was a human, there was not a single doubt in that.

It was just that society thought different. They thought he was a girl just because what he had in his pants. The moment he had been born a doctor had looked at him and just declared him as a girl, simple because he didn’t have a dick. Like if gender was that simple, you didn’t need a dick to be a boy, he was as much of a boy as anyone else.

Yet he wish he had one, everything would have been so much easier from the start. The Gudelia chest of his wouldn’t have grown in size, but gotten harder instead, and the bleeding that almost made him vomit every single month wouldn’t have started either. Instead he would have gotten a deeper voice, a voice he wanted so much.

He would kill for a deep voice like that, his whole body longed and screamed. Every single time he heard his high and squeaky voice it felt like he had been stabbed right through his body, then someone had removed the knife and stabbed again, and so on. He got that feeling when he looked at his body, when things were put in the wrong places, when clothes didn’t fit as intended.

Heck, when he didn’t even have the right kind of clothes.

His dad knew nothing about this, he still thought John was a girl. Therefor his room was filled with dresses and loose fitting shirts and skirts, and he had hair down to his waist. Seeing his reflection always made him want to puke.

He currently wore a hoodie, it was tight fitting but still a hoodie and to match was a pair of a little to short for his taste shorts. They were extremely feminine, but it was better than wandering around in those frilly, pastel colored death garbs that was known as dresses.

Every time he was forced to wear one it felt like someone was purposely cutting off oxygen and slowly tried to strangle him in a type of sadistic game and stabbing him at the same time, while saying “whatever, breathing is overrated. You’re weak if you can’t live without it, and goes for blood, you’re weak if you can’t handle a little blood loss”.

He wanted to tell his dad, but he was scared. He had heard all of those horror stories about kids being thrown out on the street because of this, and he would not be able to survive even a single day there. He was way too kind for that.

But the secret grew and grew and was about to become too heavy, so he had to tell someone. He just had too, or he would go crazy. But who would he tell?

Someone far away.

He immediately ran towards his computer and opened pesterchum.

\- - ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 14:52 - -

  


EB: hey  
EB: are you there rose?

TT: Greetings Erica.  
TT: What makes you visit my office this lovely Saturday?

EB: please don't call me erica.

TT: Why not? Last time I checked that was the name you were given.  


EB: yeah it was, but it’s not my name.  
EB: i don’t even know why i’m saying this, but i got to tell someone, it’s literally eating me alive. and you’re good with psychology and all that so i went to you.  


TT: You’ve peaked my interest, go on.  


EB: well  
EB: there’s no easy way to say this.  
EB: but i’m a boy.  


TT: A boy?  


EB: yeah. i’m 100 % boy, on the inside and all. the outside just wanted to make a joke and give me the wrong parts. i don’t like that part myself, having the wrong parts is something i would rather live without.  
EB: it sucks.  


TT: Oh, So you’re trans?  


EB: …  
EB: yeah i am.  


TT: Okay, what do you want to be called? Since you say you didn’t like being referred to as Erica.  


EB: john  
EB: my name’s john.  


TT: Okay John. And I supposed you want to go by he/him then? If not then correct me.  


EB: yes, i wanna go by those.  


TT: Okay hang on a second. I’m going to write this down so that I won’t forget it, and if I mess up feel free to correct me.  


EB: thanks  
EB: but why are you taking this so lightly?  


TT: Lightly?  


EB: yeah, just “ok let’s roll” and no more questions.  


TT: Why shouldn’t I “roll with it” as you say?  


EB: …  
EB: i don’t know, i’m just nervous ok. about how my dad will react.  
EB: i’m afraid he’s going to throw me out or something.  


TT: Well that makes it more understandable, but I think your father will react in a good way. From what I’ve heard he loves you.  


EB: yeah he does, but i’m still scared, you know.  


TT: I get that, but listen, if the worst happens I will force my mother to pay for a plane ticket so that you can come live with us.  
TT: I promise that, and you know I never make promises I can’t keep.  


EB: thanks rose, you’re making me feel so much better.  
EB: heck i’m gonna go and tell dad right now when we’re already on the subject.  
EB: wish me luck!

TT: Good luck, John Egbert.

\- - ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:13 - -

John gulped as he slowly walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, it was pretty obvious that his dad was there since the smell of a cake on the oven was in the air. He always baked cake, even when there was no special occasion.

The moment he laid his eyes on his father he began to sweat and his heartbeat was beginning to speed up, faster than humanly possible.

“Hey my daughter, how is it?”.

Stab.

Daughter…

He hated being called that. He was a boy, not a girl. He wanted everyone else to understand that, because being called the wrong thing hurts more than you could possibly explain with any words known to humans.

“Dad, we need to talk. It’s really important”.

He saw how his dad raised an eyebrow but nodded.

“Why don’t we sit down then Erica?”.

Erica…

That wasn’t his name, his name was JOHN.

He nodded and sat down, heart pounding. Should he retreat and run back to his room? Should he take up this later instead of now? What if this is too soon? What if this was a bad idea after all? How would he react? What if he got mad? Maybe he would throw him out? What if?

Okay, there is no turning back now? He was already in motion, he couldn’t stop now. It was like with a band aid, he should just rip it off to get it over with instead of slightly trying to remove it, causing even more pain in the process.

“So, what do you wanna talk about?”.

Here goes nothing.

“I’m a boy”, he said and looked down into the floor, afraid of the worst, for screaming. But screaming never came, just a surprised tone from his father, who seemed calm.

“Boy?”.

He nodded.

“Yeah. Dressing like a girl, looking like this. It all hurts. Being called Erica hurts, it’s wrong. My body is wrong, it keeps growing more and more wrong the older I get. I’m a boy but I’m trapped in this body. Dresses makes me feel anxious, this long hair is like carrying around a burden, my chest, I want to rip it off. And every time someone calls me a girl I feel like I’m drowning, literally drowning in my own skin, a place I should feel comfortable in but don’t. It hurts looking in the mirror dad. The one who stares back at me is a stranger, that’s not me in the reflection”.

He had said it, and he saw how his dad looked at him a bit surprised.

“You, think you’re a boy, Eri… no I won’t use that name”.

He nodded.

“Yes, my name is John, I’m a boy. The rest of the world just doesn’t realize it”.

Mr Egbert nodded and John could see that he was confused.

“Okay, I don’t understand all of this, but if you are sure and feels like this is who you are, I will support you every step off the way Eri-John. It will take some time to adjust but I’ll try to do my best to be a good father to my son. I just need to get a bit educated on the subject okay, you can tell me so that I’ll understand a bit better”.

John nodded, tears beginning to form in the corner of his eyes while a smile grew on his face, making his large buck teeth more visible than before. Out of joy he jumped out of his chair and hugged his dad.

“Thanks dad, for listening. I know it will be a big change, but thanks for listening and being willing to try. It means a lot, and thanks for you not throwing me out”.

“Throwing you out? I would never throw you out! I love you, you’re my son and you make me so proud, you’re my pride and joy. And I know your mother would be proud of she saw you now, because she has son a brave son that just tries to be himself”.

Okay, now the tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“Thanks dad…”.

“So John, you mentioned that you don’t like your hair and clothes, so if you like we could go to the mall and cut it, and then go to the thrift store and buy you some clothes you feel comfortable in. If we buy from there you will get a bigger wardrobe quicker than if you buy new stuff, so I thought that would be a good start. Then when my next salary comes we can get you some new stuff as well. Do you like it?”.

He nodded, full with extreme gratitude to his father.

“Yes, that’d be perfect. And once you get your salary, would you be able to buy me a binder?”.

Once he saw his dad’s confused expression he put on of his hands on his chest.

“It’s a top that binds your chest, so that it looks like you don’t have boobs. Could I get one of those?”.

Nod.

“Of course you can, John”.


End file.
